how it is most of the time...
i will tell you how it happens.
first, there is just the idea.
but the idea is not alone.
the things that come with the idea are often stronger than the idea itself.
choice.
consequence.
generally, at this point, my heart starts beating faster.
my penis, which is long ahead of my imagination and knows my weaknesses begins growing hard rather against my will, interest and better judgment.
but mostly against my mind.
because i know that whatever it is that is sddenly in my head to do, i will not feel better afterward.
i will feel just released enough to be quite angry at myself, quite miserable over my lack of power and strength, and just clear enough of mind to know that i hate whatever it is i couldn't resist doing, hate the way i feel afterward, hate that i couldn't put that knowledge to better use before as opposed to after my failure, and hate myself by proximity.
but when the moment comes again, it seems i have learned virtually nothing except that hate for myself, and the same events perpetuate themselves.
much of it is simply what turns me on, and my inability, when that happens, to resist sexually driven urges.
most of the time, if it seems that i'm getting past it without undulging, a point will come where the choice offers to remove itself from my hands.
i will consider dice, or cards, as a way to solve the situation. impartial luck will either seal my fate against me or give me the freedom i require to walk away.
but generally, if i fall prey to this game, i have already lost.
because even if the cards or dice tell me to stop, i find some loophole, some way to play again, some way to play to lose, just so that i can feel that pressure of being obligated to respond against myself, so that i can feel that manipulation outside of my own judgment and its potentially ruinous effects on my life.
and, as i said, afterward i wonder why it always has to be this way. but the nest time rolls around and i find it to be that way anyway.
after i lose the dice or caard game, it's like i'm powerless. it's much like the blackmail games that i have played over the internet... except that there, another person actually has some control over a measure of my life. here, i don't know what exactly has that power, only that is is not "me".
it's hard to explain. but it's real.
the time i chained myself to the tree, for instance. i wrote out the whole story afterward, once it came back to me. about how the levels of humiliation ground against me, about how i was arguing, out loud, with someone completely fictitious but who had immense power over me, as to whether or not i would continue. and with each step, whether it was being made to wet my pants against a lost argument, throwing my clothes into the river, or snapping that first lock closed around my ankle, my power kept decreasing and hers just kept getting larger and more influential and harder to break.
most situations are not that extreme. often, it only circles around masturbation, and my sick addiction to unclothed children.
i want to destroy the disk on which the images are kept. but what i find myself doing instead is putting it in the dvd player. i will make wagers with myself, the end results being either watching the disk or destroying it, but in the end, i will do little involuntary things that will lead me right to watching it regardless.
the trick, i think, is in the preparation for loss.
i know that if i lose, i will need whatever measures to be taken far enough in advance that i have no choice but to comply with my fate.
as an example, if i were playing a game where the end result was either to eat a sandwich for supper or my own wastes (a game i have, sadly, played before) i would have to have a plate of each ready, so that in the climactic moment of loss, where one choice or the other becomes necessary, there is no time to consider changing my mind or getting out of it.
so with the porn, it's imperative that the disk already be in the machine and playing, so that if i lose, the loss will be complete with the simple turning-on of the television. one little button standing between me and my danming fate.
that's the secret to all of this... the little isolated steps. because then, even when i didn't lose the game, i've basically already lost, and all that needs to happen is for that button to get pressed ,and then i'ts already playing in my room, and then all i have to do is shift my gaze for a second and i've already looked, and the snowball comes directly from the word "already". it convinces me that it makes no difference. "you've already failed, might as well go all the way", "you've already lowered yourself beyond anything acceptable, might as well embrace that unacceptability as reality".
in a way, it's a struggle for identity. the identity of a sinner vs. the identity of Christ.
and when i lose, i feel like i've really, really lost. because then all the verses come flying at me, my own mind now defeating me with the things that are supposed to be empowering. my mind is flooded with "you have the mind of Christ" and "whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world" and then the other side of the argument, though both sides are against me, kicks in with "for if after thay have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of hte Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning" and even further "for it is impossible for thoes who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame."
and i know the intended contexts of these verses, but it doesn't seem to matter when they all gang up against me to drive me down. i become the thing that might as well not bother trying to serve God.
after all, what i just did was certainly not loving the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength, was it?
in fact, it was more or less the opposite.
and if some part of me wants to do it again,how can i ever come before Him?
i know counter-verses to these, ones that are full of hope... and they serve me well, but only when my mind is already serving me well.
i picture myself like Jesus, out in the desert for 40 days, and satan coming to me and saying "hey, you look bored, this desert sucks the life out of a guy, doesn't it? i bet what you'd really like is a harem of little girls. 100 of them. i promise none would be over 10. how does that sound?"
and i see myself trying to come up with a scripture at that moment, something about how the joy of the Lord is my strength, or how if we submit ourselves to God and resist the devil, he will flee, or how I'm to love the Lord my God with all my heart mind soul and strength, aor how i can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me, or how sin separates us from the Father...
and i know that i would fail, and lose. or worse, find a way to justify it and find forgiveness regardless, perverting justice and grace and God. so let's hope satan never figures out a way to make that one happen.
but when we sin, we do block ourselves from God. and when we ask forgiveness, the block is removed. but when you're behind that block, it's often easier to just want to hide behind it. like sitting in the back of the class at school, not because you don't know the answer, but because you don't want to be bothered to care about it, because you'd rather be doing your own thing than paying attention to the Teacher.
and after a few more blocks, the pile starts looking really daunting. really heavy. and it's easy for me to imagine that it's entirely up to me to move it.
but it's not. i just have to call out to the God who's still in the room and say "these blocks are really heavy, and i can't see You through them, would You mind helping me shift them out of the way?"
but is there a number of blocks through which suddenly God can not hear my pleas? is there a point at which i am simply stuck behind my blocks and deluding myself that i will ever get out from back in that shadow?
and that's a dangerous thought... a ruinous thought, a thought that leads me back to the trap, back to the game, back to ruining myself all over again.
the counter-trap is just to be secure in God's love. but i've never been good at being secure in love. pain, humiliation, ruin... these things i understand. i don't really understand love. i feel it, sometimes, which gives me some hope, becaues anyone that loveth is born of God and knows God, but that sentence gives me that much more to which i need to live up, and frankly, sometimes i just don't do it. sometimes i just don't act like i'm God's child and was raised by the perfect Almighty Father and know the HOly Spirit which leads me into all truth, and the Son, who is constantly ready to advocate on our bahalf to make us once more spotless before God.
i know all of this stuff. but what good is knowing, if i also know that nine times out of ten, i will probably still lose the game, probably set it all up against myself to make it too easy to lose, too hard to win, and i will have nobody but myself in the end to blame?
and i do blame myself. a lot of the time, it doesn't feel deliberate, in fact it feels very much like i'm being manipulated outside myself and my wishes and desires, but even if i am, there had to be a point where i subjugated myself, where i not only abdicated my throne but pushed God off the one above me, to give that power to someone who cared so much less about me and only wanted to destroy me.
it's like the master/slave thing. i wanted for a long time to simply belong to someone, to be a complete and utter slave, living a life of either service or punishment, depending on the moment. to sleep chained and uncomfortable, to be kept bound, to be available for any service no matter how revolting and contrary to God, to sonsume wastes as a diet, to be, in the fullest possible way, sub-human.
the idea still appeals to me. knowing full well that i would be miserable and hopeless, that it would be like hell on earth, still some part of me wants it. badly.
i'm fighting that part, and a million other parts of me that want blackmail and ruin and loneliness and cruelty and utter humiliation and torture and rape and violence.
but i would so like to understand why these parts ant these things, why i give myself to them for times only to almost sit back and watch myself be tormented and be appalled at the corners of my mind that enjoy it, that get sexual satisfaction from my own humiliation. it's repugnant to my proper mind, and makes me sick, but it still happens.
This has nothing to do with complacency. It has to do with your not following instructions. those instructions cannot be enforced over the internet whether it be by e-mail or chat if the other is not compliant to any degree. It does leave Me how ever with sending your sight and photos to the Saskachuan (sp?) equivalent to our department of corrections (those in charge of probations). The photos are also on a third party server at this time.
first, there is just the idea.
but the idea is not alone.
the things that come with the idea are often stronger than the idea itself.
choice.
consequence.
generally, at this point, my heart starts beating faster.
my penis, which is long ahead of my imagination and knows my weaknesses begins growing hard rather against my will, interest and better judgment.
but mostly against my mind.
because i know that whatever it is that is sddenly in my head to do, i will not feel better afterward.
i will feel just released enough to be quite angry at myself, quite miserable over my lack of power and strength, and just clear enough of mind to know that i hate whatever it is i couldn't resist doing, hate the way i feel afterward, hate that i couldn't put that knowledge to better use before as opposed to after my failure, and hate myself by proximity.
but when the moment comes again, it seems i have learned virtually nothing except that hate for myself, and the same events perpetuate themselves.
much of it is simply what turns me on, and my inability, when that happens, to resist sexually driven urges.
most of the time, if it seems that i'm getting past it without undulging, a point will come where the choice offers to remove itself from my hands.
i will consider dice, or cards, as a way to solve the situation. impartial luck will either seal my fate against me or give me the freedom i require to walk away.
but generally, if i fall prey to this game, i have already lost.
because even if the cards or dice tell me to stop, i find some loophole, some way to play again, some way to play to lose, just so that i can feel that pressure of being obligated to respond against myself, so that i can feel that manipulation outside of my own judgment and its potentially ruinous effects on my life.
and, as i said, afterward i wonder why it always has to be this way. but the nest time rolls around and i find it to be that way anyway.
after i lose the dice or caard game, it's like i'm powerless. it's much like the blackmail games that i have played over the internet... except that there, another person actually has some control over a measure of my life. here, i don't know what exactly has that power, only that is is not "me".
it's hard to explain. but it's real.
the time i chained myself to the tree, for instance. i wrote out the whole story afterward, once it came back to me. about how the levels of humiliation ground against me, about how i was arguing, out loud, with someone completely fictitious but who had immense power over me, as to whether or not i would continue. and with each step, whether it was being made to wet my pants against a lost argument, throwing my clothes into the river, or snapping that first lock closed around my ankle, my power kept decreasing and hers just kept getting larger and more influential and harder to break.
most situations are not that extreme. often, it only circles around masturbation, and my sick addiction to unclothed children.
i want to destroy the disk on which the images are kept. but what i find myself doing instead is putting it in the dvd player. i will make wagers with myself, the end results being either watching the disk or destroying it, but in the end, i will do little involuntary things that will lead me right to watching it regardless.
the trick, i think, is in the preparation for loss.
i know that if i lose, i will need whatever measures to be taken far enough in advance that i have no choice but to comply with my fate.
as an example, if i were playing a game where the end result was either to eat a sandwich for supper or my own wastes (a game i have, sadly, played before) i would have to have a plate of each ready, so that in the climactic moment of loss, where one choice or the other becomes necessary, there is no time to consider changing my mind or getting out of it.
so with the porn, it's imperative that the disk already be in the machine and playing, so that if i lose, the loss will be complete with the simple turning-on of the television. one little button standing between me and my danming fate.
that's the secret to all of this... the little isolated steps. because then, even when i didn't lose the game, i've basically already lost, and all that needs to happen is for that button to get pressed ,and then i'ts already playing in my room, and then all i have to do is shift my gaze for a second and i've already looked, and the snowball comes directly from the word "already". it convinces me that it makes no difference. "you've already failed, might as well go all the way", "you've already lowered yourself beyond anything acceptable, might as well embrace that unacceptability as reality".
in a way, it's a struggle for identity. the identity of a sinner vs. the identity of Christ.
and when i lose, i feel like i've really, really lost. because then all the verses come flying at me, my own mind now defeating me with the things that are supposed to be empowering. my mind is flooded with "you have the mind of Christ" and "whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world" and then the other side of the argument, though both sides are against me, kicks in with "for if after thay have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of hte Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning" and even further "for it is impossible for thoes who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame."
and i know the intended contexts of these verses, but it doesn't seem to matter when they all gang up against me to drive me down. i become the thing that might as well not bother trying to serve God.
after all, what i just did was certainly not loving the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength, was it?
in fact, it was more or less the opposite.
and if some part of me wants to do it again,how can i ever come before Him?
i know counter-verses to these, ones that are full of hope... and they serve me well, but only when my mind is already serving me well.
i picture myself like Jesus, out in the desert for 40 days, and satan coming to me and saying "hey, you look bored, this desert sucks the life out of a guy, doesn't it? i bet what you'd really like is a harem of little girls. 100 of them. i promise none would be over 10. how does that sound?"
and i see myself trying to come up with a scripture at that moment, something about how the joy of the Lord is my strength, or how if we submit ourselves to God and resist the devil, he will flee, or how I'm to love the Lord my God with all my heart mind soul and strength, aor how i can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me, or how sin separates us from the Father...
and i know that i would fail, and lose. or worse, find a way to justify it and find forgiveness regardless, perverting justice and grace and God. so let's hope satan never figures out a way to make that one happen.
but when we sin, we do block ourselves from God. and when we ask forgiveness, the block is removed. but when you're behind that block, it's often easier to just want to hide behind it. like sitting in the back of the class at school, not because you don't know the answer, but because you don't want to be bothered to care about it, because you'd rather be doing your own thing than paying attention to the Teacher.
and after a few more blocks, the pile starts looking really daunting. really heavy. and it's easy for me to imagine that it's entirely up to me to move it.
but it's not. i just have to call out to the God who's still in the room and say "these blocks are really heavy, and i can't see You through them, would You mind helping me shift them out of the way?"
but is there a number of blocks through which suddenly God can not hear my pleas? is there a point at which i am simply stuck behind my blocks and deluding myself that i will ever get out from back in that shadow?
and that's a dangerous thought... a ruinous thought, a thought that leads me back to the trap, back to the game, back to ruining myself all over again.
the counter-trap is just to be secure in God's love. but i've never been good at being secure in love. pain, humiliation, ruin... these things i understand. i don't really understand love. i feel it, sometimes, which gives me some hope, becaues anyone that loveth is born of God and knows God, but that sentence gives me that much more to which i need to live up, and frankly, sometimes i just don't do it. sometimes i just don't act like i'm God's child and was raised by the perfect Almighty Father and know the HOly Spirit which leads me into all truth, and the Son, who is constantly ready to advocate on our bahalf to make us once more spotless before God.
i know all of this stuff. but what good is knowing, if i also know that nine times out of ten, i will probably still lose the game, probably set it all up against myself to make it too easy to lose, too hard to win, and i will have nobody but myself in the end to blame?
and i do blame myself. a lot of the time, it doesn't feel deliberate, in fact it feels very much like i'm being manipulated outside myself and my wishes and desires, but even if i am, there had to be a point where i subjugated myself, where i not only abdicated my throne but pushed God off the one above me, to give that power to someone who cared so much less about me and only wanted to destroy me.
it's like the master/slave thing. i wanted for a long time to simply belong to someone, to be a complete and utter slave, living a life of either service or punishment, depending on the moment. to sleep chained and uncomfortable, to be kept bound, to be available for any service no matter how revolting and contrary to God, to sonsume wastes as a diet, to be, in the fullest possible way, sub-human.
the idea still appeals to me. knowing full well that i would be miserable and hopeless, that it would be like hell on earth, still some part of me wants it. badly.
i'm fighting that part, and a million other parts of me that want blackmail and ruin and loneliness and cruelty and utter humiliation and torture and rape and violence.
but i would so like to understand why these parts ant these things, why i give myself to them for times only to almost sit back and watch myself be tormented and be appalled at the corners of my mind that enjoy it, that get sexual satisfaction from my own humiliation. it's repugnant to my proper mind, and makes me sick, but it still happens.
This has nothing to do with complacency. It has to do with your not following instructions. those instructions cannot be enforced over the internet whether it be by e-mail or chat if the other is not compliant to any degree. It does leave Me how ever with sending your sight and photos to the Saskachuan (sp?) equivalent to our department of corrections (those in charge of probations). The photos are also on a third party server at this time.
posted by Corus Aquilo at 2:57 PM
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