a house divided...

can a man act in two diametrically opposed ways and still be true to either? can i sing a song to Jesus, a hymn of praise, while actively watching a 6 year old girl pulling her skirt up and adjusting her panties in the pew in front of me, and wishing she would just take them off? does the song mean anything then? is that the kind of worship that God requires, or even accepts, the kind that sounds good, and hits the right notes, and speaks the right words, but clearly isn't loving Him with all my Mind, or all my Heart? it's making me physically sick. and when it doesn't make me sick, it means that i've fallen further, and it's worse, because then my lack of sickness makes me sick, because it means that i'm even more corrupt, even more abandoned to the things that are not from God.
this desire isn't from God. why can't He take it away? why must i be sexually attracted to every girl under 13 that i happen to see? God doesn't want me to be like this, how could He, i'm sure it disgusts Him, and even though He loves me, he must still be so desperately disappointed...
and the songs just keep pouring blithely out, regardless of what i find in my head... pretty music, pretty lyrics, ugly, ugly heart. is my faith even valid?
some days, i'm sure it isn't.
even if that makes me seem like i'm trying to be smarter than God, or trying to make his choice for him. i wouldn't dream of deciding anything on a godlike level, i have a hard enough time deciding things for myself. i froze in a grocery aisle because i couldn't choose a bread, for fuck's sake... i can't even comprehend being God. all i know is that i can't stand me.